One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn’t too luxurious.

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president’s secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle why he was so interested in talking to her. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, ” Oh, so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant” , to which Michelle responded, “No, if I had married him, he would now be the President”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time reinvesting my profits into buying more apples.”

“Wow!” said the young man, “and that’s how you accumulated your fortune?”

“Nah”, said the old man, “my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren’t any common terms for female masturbation.

“I’ve always called it ‘jilling off’,” said one of the women.

“But that’s just a feminization of ‘jacking off,’” said the first.

“You’re right,” said another. “We don’t seem to have any slang terms of our own for it.”

The fourth woman snorted. “After fourteen years of marriage, there’s only one thing I call it.”

“What’s that?”

“Finishing the job.”

A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.

So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says,

“Medium condom. Medium condom.”

Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condoms.

Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see Edna in aisle 4.

Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,

“Large condom, this man needs a large condom.”

The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his condoms.

Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some condoms for the very first time. He’s told to go see Edna is aisle 4.

Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,

“Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4.”

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

A car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. “What are those for?” she asked suspiciously.

“I’m a juggler,” the man replied. “I use those in my act.”

“Well, show me,” the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, “My God. I’ve got to give up drinking! Look at the test they’re giving now.”

This cowboy was walking in the woods one day and he comes to a clearing.
There on a blanket was a naked Indian with an erection.
“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, “Me tell time.”
The cowboy says, “Ok. If you are so good, what time is it?”
The Indian looks down at his penis and the shadow it made and said, “It 2 o’clock.”
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By Golly, you are right!”
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian laying on a blanket.
“Don’t tell me..you’re telling time also?”
Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”
The cowboy says, “Okay smartass, what time is it?”
The Indian looks up at the sun and down at his penis and says, “It 4 o’clock.”
The cowboy is amazed at the Indians, so he keeps walking.
A few hours later he comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating.
“Don’t tell me you are telling time!!??”
The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!!”

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as “guinea pigs” in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units.One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay “wounded” for several hours.

When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: “Have bled to death and gone home.”

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it on that island?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea….. but every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.

“Oh my goodness,” the pretty young thing exclaimed, “I’m at the wrong house.”

“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her. “But you’re forty years too late.”

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.”

“That’s very sensible, sir.” At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

“Get my brown pants.”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No I wouldn’t,” he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

Pathan k 20 saal baad beta huwa lekin woh udaas ho gaya.

Friend : Yaar udaas kyun ho?

Pathan : Ek to 20 saal baad beta huwa aur woh bhi itna sa.