It was a hot summer evening, and my wife and I were preparing to join friends at my wife’s friend Jane’s house.

My wife took a bath and decided to try one of her new body lotions. She always smells terrific. She dressed in a knee length light summer dress. Looked great! My wife never wears underwear.

Off we went to Jane’s house. Got there just as the sun was going down. We had drinks and food, and we were having a good time. Until Jane called her boyfriend’s dog General to come into the house. Instantly General was attracted to my wife. He kept trying to put his head up her skirt. I guess the General liked what he smelled.

She became so embarrassed! She kept try to push him away. Before Jane could get to him to take him outside, he had a huge hard on. Everyone laughed, except my wife. And to this day, every time that Jane calls her up, she ends the call by saying “And General misses you, too!” Needless to say we don’t visit Jane much anymore.

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Little Johnny.
“Nope.” replied Jimmy. “Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”. Again
Jimmy says “Nope.” “You didn’t steal it, did you?” asks Little Johnny.

“No,” said Jimmy. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open
and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily.

“What do you want now?” “I wanna WATCH,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Michael Jackson is walking out from the operating room after his wife gave birth to their son. Michael says “Hey Doc how long till we can have sex?” The Doctor says “At least wait till he is walking Michael!!”

A man kills a DEER and cooks it up. He presents it to the family at dinner but doesnot tell the kids what it is.

To help them find out, he gives them a clue, "I call your mother this very often!"

The kids think for a while and then one of them exclaims, "DONT EAT IT
.
.
.
.
KUTTI hai(It’s a Bitch!)"

A man with a 20-inch penis went to his doctor to complain that he was unable to get any women to have sex with him because they all told him that his penis was too long.

"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But I do know a witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gave him directions to the witch’s place.

The man went to see the witch the next day, and told her his sad Joke.

"Witch, my penis is 20 inches long, and I can’t get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"

The witch asked him to pull it out so she could have a look at it. The man uncoiled his 20-inch penis. The witch stared in amazement, scratched her head, and then replied, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. You must ask the frog, ‘will you marry me?’ Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be 4 inches shorter."

The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and, sure enough, there sat the frog on a log. He uncoiled his huge python-like penis and called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked at him with some disdain, and replied, "NO."

The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 4 inches shorter!

"WOW!" he screamed out loud. Then he said to himself, "This is great! But it’s still too long at 16 inches, so I’ll ask the frog to marry me again."

Once more he shouted to the frog, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"

The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 4 inches shorter! The man laughed, and shouted, "This is fantastic!"

He looked down at his penis once more, and by now it was only 12 inches long, so he reflected for a moment. "Twelve inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal," he thought. "So, I’ll ask the frog to marry me ONE more time."

Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog, will you marry me?"

The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head in frustration and said, "NO! NO! . . . and for the last time, NO!"

This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ?
Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse ! Radio Silence…………Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.

Brother: "Do you know why Mom & Dad have been in thier room for over three days?!"

Sister: "No! But why are laughing so much?"

Brother: "Well! Dad asked for a tube of Vaseline. But I gave him a tube of industrial adhesive glue!!" 

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small
town.  One day she went to the local grocery store and while
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn’t find
any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house,
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my
pussy.

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to their twin beds.

However, the man was not yet ready to slumber, and called over to his wife
"My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband, with a concerned look on his face says " Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"

The woman just smiles, gets up and enters hubby’s bed. The two have passionate sex, and afterwards the woman rolls out.

As she is returning to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says
"Clumsy bitch."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house
to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to
the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent
lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck." If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very
dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my
ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any
vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it’s quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.

Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.

Click to continue!! It isn’t over yet…

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten."

The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. Asthe boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why. She told herson, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
 
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
 
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of
money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born? “she asked. He
replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on
the back. I’ll take care of expenses for you and the child, I will send you $1,000 a month, who knows maybe you will have twins and I will send you double that.”

Click to continue!! It isn’t over yet…