I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it on that island?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea….. but every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman.

“Oh my goodness,” the pretty young thing exclaimed, “I’m at the wrong house.”

“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her. “But you’re forty years too late.”

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

“It’s in case I get shot. I don’t want you crew members to see blood and freak out.”

“That’s very sensible, sir.” At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

“Get my brown pants.”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No I wouldn’t,” he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

“No, no,no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!”

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

This one guy was at a theater and he was sprawled out over 3 seats. The usher came by and told the guy to move. The guy mumbled but didn’t answer. He went and got the manager. The manager said to the man, “Sir, if you don’t move, I’ll call the police to have you removed.” The guy mumbled, but didn’t answer.

So the manager called the police and a cop came over. The cop said to the man, “Hey mister. What’s your name?” The man said,”Pete.” The cop asked,”Where ya from, Pete?” He said, “The balcony.”

An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral
procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”

I have been a firefighter for a little over a year now. A couple of months ago, while I was still very new at the station, we got a call for a house fire.

When we got there, we didn’t know if the house was empty or not, so we went inside. The first thing we always do is check for kid’s shoes. If we find any, we start looking for kids in the house.

To my horror, there were two small pairs of sneakers right by the front door. It was my first call involving kids possibly stuck in a burning house. I was deeply disturbed and I wanted to do everything I could to find them.

The smoke was very thick and with all my gear on, I could hardly hear any sounds coming from the house. I went upstairs and found a kid’s room.

Since I couldn’t see anything, I started to feel the inside of the bed. Suddenly, my hand fell on something that was shaking. I yelled “I found a kid!”

I was very excited and very proud, until I took the “kid” rush out of the house and realized that it the kids in my arms is, a “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls.

Needless to say I am still teased about that. I will probably be teased about that forever, especially when I’ll have to explain where that new nickname “Elmo” comes from!

It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.

Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,”SURPRISE!!!”

My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.

My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.

I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now”, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.