An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman then gave the officer her license.

“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said. “I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?” She said, “No.”

“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex and the workers are all picked according to hand size.

Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!!

Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing. The old woman blushed and exclaimed,

“I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!”

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up in Jack’s minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained.

“I’m afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About 9 months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from….. “Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a “little visit”?”

“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out “I have to admit that I did.” (Thinking to himself “Uh oh, what a fool I
was.. 9 months ago..)

“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you.” He knew what it was. “Oh my god!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!” He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The man said, “Shoo, you brat! Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!” After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been telling’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.” Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That’s all.

Let’s go get those nuts by the fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it outta town 10 minutes before the boy!

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small
town.  One day she went to the local grocery store and while
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her
clothes off of the line, smashed the watermellons in her
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn’t find
any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old laty got
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house,
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my
pussy.