I have been a firefighter for a little over a year now. A couple of months ago, while I was still very new at the station, we got a call for a house fire.
When we got there, we didn’t know if the house was empty or not, so we went inside. The first thing we always do is check for kid’s shoes. If we find any, we start looking for kids in the house.
To my horror, there were two small pairs of sneakers right by the front door. It was my first call involving kids possibly stuck in a burning house. I was deeply disturbed and I wanted to do everything I could to find them.
The smoke was very thick and with all my gear on, I could hardly hear any sounds coming from the house. I went upstairs and found a kid’s room.
Since I couldn’t see anything, I started to feel the inside of the bed. Suddenly, my hand fell on something that was shaking. I yelled “I found a kid!”
I was very excited and very proud, until I took the “kid” rush out of the house and realized that it the kids in my arms is, a “Tickle Me Elmo” dolls.
Needless to say I am still teased about that. I will probably be teased about that forever, especially when I’ll have to explain where that new nickname “Elmo” comes from!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone.
Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,”SURPRISE!!!”
My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
True Story
A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn’t have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.
A Coast Guard officer responded, “Please give your location.”
“I’m on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish.”
The officer paused, “Could you repeat that?”
“I-75, two miles south of Standish.”
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, “How fast were you going when you hit shore?”
1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
2. At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.
IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
3. Doctor’s office in Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL
YOURSELF.
5. In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
9. Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Click to continue!! It isn’t over yet…
True story about an anonymouse person:
I was 19 at the time of this incident…
About a year ago for the summer I had worked as a telemarketer. One day I had to be in really early since a co - worker was sick and I had to take her place. I had to work 8 hours that day and only had five 45 minute breaks for Cigarettes or just chit chat with other people. The pay was good nothing to complain about. But this one day REALLY STUNK. I went in at 8o clock in the morning. By Noon I had already consumed 5 cups of coffee. By 2 o clock I wasn’t feeling all that well. I was on the phone with a costumer that was an Elderly Lady and I said out loud, “Excuse me can I put you on hold for a few minutes I think I’m about to shit my pants!” Without getting and answer I tapped the button and went to the bathroom.
I was in there for well over 30 minutes. I have never felt that bad in my life. After I thought I was done I went back out and sat down in my cubicle and started going back on calling people. I called back the person I put on hold and began talking to her again. I ACCIDENTALLY TAPPED THE LOUDSPEAKER BUTTON along with the call button.
Everyone in the office heard THIS conversation :
“I’m sorry I put you on hold for so long.”
“Oh that’s okay, are you feeling better did you shit your pants?”
“No I didn’t shit my pants but I had the runs for over 30 minutes.”
“Oh okay, I can understand that I’ve had that problem many times before, well lets continue shall we?”
Next day at work their was a package of DEPENDS on my chair and all over my cubicle. I was so Embarrassed, I quit the job about a month later.
Report in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Bennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Be Careful When you take picture.
True Story
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror -wearing nothing but a camera!
A true story of an incident with a pregnant woman.
I was pregnant and got a bad case of diarrhea. I suffered with it for three long days, until I finally decided to call my doctor. He made an appointment for me to see a specialist. I was told to bring in a stool sample. Well, being in the emotional state I was in, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to provide a sample of diarrhea.
Soooooo I did what seemed logical to me at the time: I took my very biggest Tupperware bowl and sat on it and did my business. I put the lid on the bowl, and brought the whole bowl to the doctor.
At the doctor’s office, I placed the bowl on his desk. If you could have seen the look on the doctor’s face! I wish I would have had a camera with me. The doctor took my “sample” to the lab to analyze it, and when he returned he asked me if it was always that “potent.” That was the moment when I started to get embarrassed. I could have just crawled in a corner right then and there!
A nurse rinsed out my bowl and handed it back to me. I turned around and put it in the trash. And moral of the story? Tupperware really does seal in the freshness! Every time I think about this story, I get embarrassed all over again. I can’t believe that I did what I did! Instead of a tiny little sample, I brought them a big bowl full of sealed in freshness!
The guy who wrote this is a genius. The letter to a bank below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, and arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
Click to continue!! It isn’t over yet…
It was a hot summer evening, and my wife and I were preparing to join friends at my wife’s friend Jane’s house.
My wife took a bath and decided to try one of her new body lotions. She always smells terrific. She dressed in a knee length light summer dress. Looked great! My wife never wears underwear.
Off we went to Jane’s house. Got there just as the sun was going down. We had drinks and food, and we were having a good time. Until Jane called her boyfriend’s dog General to come into the house. Instantly General was attracted to my wife. He kept trying to put his head up her skirt. I guess the General liked what he smelled.
She became so embarrassed! She kept try to push him away. Before Jane could get to him to take him outside, he had a huge hard on. Everyone laughed, except my wife. And to this day, every time that Jane calls her up, she ends the call by saying “And General misses you, too!” Needless to say we don’t visit Jane much anymore.
This story occurred on Melbourne radio. One of the stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.
Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ? Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o’clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Orrrrr …. about 10 minutes. Presenter: 10 minutes ?
Good one. And where did you do it mate?
Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can’t say that.
Presenter: There’s a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !
Brian: O.K. … O.K. … On the kitchen table.
Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?
Brian: Yeah, alright. Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We’ve got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we’re going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can’t say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn’t matter. I’ve already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. … About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That’s close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?
Sharelle: Oh no I can’t say that. My mum could be listing. No way, no.
Presenter: There’s a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I’ve already told them so it doesn’t matter anyway .. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh …. alright …. Up the arse ! Radio Silence…………Advert
Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we’re going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We’ve given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we’ll take a music break.
This is really embarrassing for the mother, do read on.
This is a Singapore story (supposedly)... Hilarious! This is an encounter of friend’s friend’s friend (so don’t know how true, but quite funny) …………………………………….
The male colleague had just boarded the train at Orchard MRT Station. He found a seat facing a woman and her 5 year old son (estimated). He soon realised that the boy was pestering his mum to bring him to the toilet.
His mum whispered to him to hold on until Bugis station. He reluctantly obeyed. After another station, he started begging to visit the loo again. At raised voice, his mum commanded to sit and behave himself. He sheepishly sat down but could only hold on for another station before springing up to announce that he was going to pee on the ground if not taken to the toilet immediately. Completely annoyed, his mum threatened to give him a spank.
Needless to say, all eyes were upon them by now. How can a woman be that tough on a little child? Unable to hold on any longer, the boy suggested in Mandarin, "Mummy, you open your mouth and let me shi shi (Pee/Urine) inside", Mum said, "don’t talk nonsense, or I’ll really smack you"
Boy said, "why daddy can, I cannot!!!???"Ma,"..!!!….."
She alighted at the next stop.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don’t kill people, I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "Hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $#!#^%*% head all day long.
